빌딩위에서 뛰어내릴려던거 어떤분들덕에 견뎠어요<br />대부분의 사람들은 지극히 이기적이고 본인힘든것이외엔 그사람이 어떤삶을살아왔고 어떤고통들을 얼마동안 어떤상황속에서 느끼며살아왔는지 어떤식으로 소외당하며 살아왔는지 관심없는거같아요 그저그사람을 무능력한 한심한인간으로볼뿐  ..전 딱 누굴접하든 항상애증의관계인거같아요<br />어릴적부터 저를 가혹하게 욕설하던 아버지는<br />늘 술드시면 집에서 행패부리시고 자기말이 법이며<br />절대자기권력이며..무엇보다 늘 외로워하셨어요<br />마음여리고 좀심한말하면 괴로워서 몇날몇일 달래도 미친듯이 울던 저를 속이썩어빠진 못난놈으로보셨고<br />전아버질증오했지만 꼭 갑자기 돌변해서 미안하다고 상냥하게 맘여리게구시던 아버지의 이중적인면때문에 전 결국ㅈ어느센가 아버질 동정했어요<br />전요 아무리누가 욕하고 지.랄해도 그사람 마음속에 어떠한아픔이있다면 한없이약해져요<br />늘 아버진 애증의관계였어요<br />사과하시다가도 불현듯 술드시고오셔서<br />니들끼리나가살으라고<br />온갖잘못을들먹이며 추궁하고따지시고 밖에서겪는 불만을 그어린시절부터 하루도안빠지고듣고살았어요<br />그러다보니 아버질닮아버렸어요<br />그리증오하던 술담배를하구요<br />전 술없으면 하루도잠을못자요<br />늘 마음은불안하고 일을하라고하면 한심하게도 괜히하기싫어져요 사람보며일하는게..두려워요<br />아버지가한소리하실때면 이상하게 가슴이찢어지고 머리가붕뜨는기분이였어요 정신이혼미해지고 마치유체이탈하는기분..<br />한번씩이럴때면 나가죽고싶어져요<br />이나이먹도록 이런상태는변함이없어요<br />누굴만나도.. 아버지처럼 서운해하구요<br />부정적이게변해요<br />그러다보니 전어느샌가 아랫사람취급을당하고..<br />자연스레 사회부적응이되버렸어요<br />과연제원래의성격은뭘까요<br />모든사람들이저보고이중적이고 가식적이래요<br />웃고떠들다가도 약해지고 분노하다가도울고<br />저도 이런제자신을모르겠어요<br />저를사랑해줬던사람들은 하나같이 절혐오해요<br />저도대체 왜이렇게 개망신인입장이된걸까요<br />어디서부터 어떻게꼬인걸까요